Well, it's now official. Jamie is headed back to Iraq for the second time. He left on April 8th, 2008. Although we knew it was coming, it is still a difficult adjustment and one that I am not liking... Unlike the last time he went, January 2006, we now have a one year old son, Rowan...and let me tell you, it makes a BIG difference!!!!!!! Before, it was just me, and don't get me wrong, it was hard on both of us. I stayed busy with school; I had a wonderful support system, but when I had a bad day, it was okay. I could have my little emotional breakdowns, and I could be upset whenever I wanted. It was okay to eat a pint of icecream in the middle of the night. When Jamie called in the middle of the night, I took his calls without hesitation. It was no big deal to only get a few hours of sleep per night, because sometime in the next day I would find time to get in a little snooze.
I noticed within the first few minutes of Jamie's deployment that it was going to be different...I received a text message that read, "call you from Iraq", and my heart fell to the floor. Looking down, I saw my beautiful son running towards me, arms wide open and held up in the air for me. I was feeling two powerful emotions...one part of me wanted to just break down and cry, afterall, I have that right...when the other part of me just wanted to smile. Here was our son, so much like his father in every sense, and he was so completely oblivious to all that was going on. Right then and there, I decided we would keep it that way.
I didn't let myself cry. I didn't show that I was sad or upset. There was no emotion, other than what I show Rowan every other day. Children are so smart, and I do not want our son to pick up on any tension.
Later that evening, I left Rowan with my aunt while I went to the gym. On the way there, I realized just how much I had been holding in all afternoon. Before I even got the car out of the driveway, it was like waterworks...I couldn't stop it, try as I may. As I was working out, I kept the tears under wrap...until others noticed that I just wasn't my happy-go-lucky, joking self, and suddently I was a wreck!!! I could not discuss what was going on without the tears falling...it's emotional, it's hard, and I am pretty much a wreck.
When I returned home, Rowan was standing in the window waving to me, and I knew I had to put my coat of armor back on, which I did...it wasn't until after he went to bed for the night that I started to think about it all again. I can't help but wonder how this will effect us this time. I support my husband, and I will be there for him regardless. In the meantime, I have a little boy to raise, and I have to be strong and available for him above all else...putting myself, my feelings on the back burner is just one of the many sacrifes I will make along my journey of Army wife/mommy...and I am proud to do it. My family is my world, and I am nothing without them.
To all of our military families out there, thank you for doing what you do. To our men and women bravely sacrificing their own lives for the sake of our freedom here at home, you humble me. No thank you will justify my feelings towards you. You are the heroes, and you make America the great country that I am proud to call home...and the only one in which I would ever think of raising my son in. THANK YOU!!!
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