At the ripe ol' age of 30, my rose-colored sunglasses, that I have so naively looked at the world through, have finally come off. This year has truely been one of the most difficult years of my life. I have come to the tough realization that people are not always what they seem to be...and moreso, that it isn't a minority of people, but rather most of them...
I have always been one of those girls that believed in the power of good doing. I believed that people were who they said they were, and would fulfill the promises they made... I believed that good people would win everytime, and that a smile could change someone's day for the better. I believed that lemonade on a sunny day was as good as it got, and hot cocoa was the perfect end to a wonderful day. I was the person who stopped to let a wild animal cross the street, fed stray animals, volunteered at homeless shelters, Red Cross, nursing homes...just for FUN! Every year since I can remember, I took two names of the Angel Tree at Christmas time. I enjoyed giving the new mom or elderly person the parking spot closer to the door. I smiled and waved at strangers on any given day...that's just me! That's who I have always been... I am not saying I have no faults, or that I am perfect by any means...I just optimistically believed that all really would come up roses!
So it bewilders me to find myself in the place I am in today, where the harsh realization has hit me like a mack truck on a freeway... People are NOT who they say they are... And honestly, nobody has my best interest at heart. People don't care what I am going through, or that my heart has been shattered into a million pieces. Nobody is here helping me pick up the broken pieces; it's just me... All those years I spent trying to put a smile on someone else's face, with the hopes that someday the favor would be returned...nothin'! NOTHING!!!
Worse yet, the one who did the damage has absolutely no idea how badly it really hurts. He doesn't care...he has no remorse...he's only looking out for himself, selfishly, just like every time in the past. My feelings don't matter, and they never have. I have to question the heart's capacity, because mine has obvioulsy failed me. How can someone be responsible for so much damage, and go on continuing to do more, never looking back, never really making things right. How is this human? How is this possible? I wish my own heart was capable of being just a little like that...
How can my heart love one person SO much, yet I can barely stand the sound of his name right now. The mere thought of what he's capable of, what he's done, saddens me to my core. I want to hate him... I want to hurt him in the same ways he has hurt me... I want him to FEEL, to really, truely FEEL the damage he has done. He says he gets it, he says he understands... if he really does, why does it continue to happen? The way he talks, the things he says....it will never be forgotten.....NEVER!!!
My heart proceeds, but it does so with MUCH CAUTION. Things will never be the same. My heart will never fully belong to him ever again. One day, somewhere down the road, be it a week or 30 years, he'll look back on this time and have many regrets, but for now he just isn't capable of thinking in those terms.
In the meantime, I look at my two year old son, who still sees the world through those same rose-colored glasses that I only recently lost, and I hope, for his sake, that those glasses remain right where they are for many, MANY years to come... and I hope that he never loses sight of doing good...and I pray that his heart will never feel the pain that mine has...because NOBODY deserves it... May his heart swell with laughter and love for the rest of his days, but for now, while his heart is still safe in the hands of his loving, nurturing, mother, I can rest at night knowing it is still safe for one more day...
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